Five Dinner Dating Tips for Douchebags

Five Dinner Dating Tips for Douchebags

As someone who is childfree, there are certain obvious (in hindsight) dating tips that I will never be able to convey to my son (who would inevitably be a douchebag like his father). So I grace other, younger, douchebags with my hard earned wisdom.
First, if you’ve managed to score a date with a feminist, do NOT balk at the idea of her coming and picking you up for the date. However, do NOT use the opportunity as an excuse to get completely shit-faced just because you don’t have to drive. Save that for later, when she’s too deeply committed in the relationship to be easily ran off by your borderline alcoholism.
Second, do open doors for your date. If she is a feminist, apologize that you were raised as a gentleman by your fascist, gender-role obsessed mother, but don’t mean to offend her sensibilities. You will lose out on the opportunity to check out all the other women in the room (which is secretly what that custom is all about anyway), but remember that you are on a date with her and not them. There’s no chance you will get in THEIR panties tonight, but HERS… well, maybe… although you’ll probably muck it up because YOU ARE A DOUCHEBAG, after all.
Third, order something that is easy to eat and not messy. Since you are a douchebag, you have no table manners and will have to restrain yourself from wolfing everything down in two bites. I recommend salad, since you won’t be too inclined to eat something you don’t like much too fast and will not offend our hypothetical feminist date that may very well be vegan.
Fourth, remember to fucking LISTEN to what she has to say and be polite. She’s on a date with you, which probably means she doesn’t yet know what a fucking douchebag you are. The first date is not the time to reveal your true nature of obnoxiousness and rude innuendo. Take it easy, champ. Let her become emotionally invested before you begin droning on about your stupid life experiences and adventures in being an asshole.
Fifth, tip your waitress well. ALWAYS tip well on first, second, and third dates, even if your hypothetical feminist date insists on splitting the bill in the Dutch fashion (always make sure that they propose that, BTW, assume you will have to pay for everything). Save your screwing over the waitstaff, for when you: A) are married AND B) never intend to go to that restaurant ever, ever again. If you are going to be a cheapskate, stay home and jerk off to YouPorn alone, because you will NOT be getting laid anyway.
Well, good luck. You will need it, because you are a douchebag and will manage to screw up even these few simple instructions…